her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My ATM looks so different sober.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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