I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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