dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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