What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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