My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
