did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
