Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
