I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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