So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
