You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
