I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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