My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
