I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
