She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Liz is crying about burritos again.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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