i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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