Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
