i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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