Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
