The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
