happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
