I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
