I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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