I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We had sex on a dog bed..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.