dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
