i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
