the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
