I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
