There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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