I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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