Betty ford says i'm here all night
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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