Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's just like the Real World with babies
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
