All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize