one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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