weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
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I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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