They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
