the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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