dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
