Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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