New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
