Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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