Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
