Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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