this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I need moral support for this bender
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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