Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
