Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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