Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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