they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
