I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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