We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I believe in your delicious
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
