I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
