I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
