I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
