i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
