I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Houston, we have a blender
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
